Thoughts at 4AM

It’s hard to turn off a creative mind, even harder to turn off an anxious one. Our mind wanders in the dark, or in the dim glow of the nightlight (I’m not judging!). We toss and turn, our thoughts going on one tangent after another. Who knew a little bit of imagination could be a form of sleep deprivation. We worry about random things, hypothetical things, about the realities of tomorrow, or remain adrift in the past, fretting over stuff we can’t possibly change this instant yet that only seems to fuel the anxiety. We cuddle with our insecurities. Yes, they’re the big spoon. 

I recently finished Mindy Kaling’s Why Not Me? and one particular essay, titled “4AM Worries,” lists all the hilarious things that keep her up at night (“People at work don’t laugh enough. Don’t they know I’m paying them?!”). The essay inspired me to do the same, without taking myself too seriously, of course. Without further ado, here’s my unfiltered, over-caffeinated stream of consciousness for your reading pleasure:

  1. Do you believe in life after love?
  2. Will I make it in life?
  3. Then again, how do we define “it?”
  4. That reminds me, I still haven’t read Stephen King’s It (I don’t know what scares me more, the remake or the length of the actual book)
  5. I’ll sleep when I’m dead, though it might be my only option at this point
  6. One more night like this and I’ll end up like Christian Bale in The Machinist. Or Edward Norton in Fight Club wow I literally have no preference those were some damn fine performances.
  7. There is no such thing as “too much” coffee. Perhaps that’s the coffee talking.
  8. I can feel something inside me say/ I really don’t think I’m strong enough nooo
  9. What’s Cher been up to?
  10. How do I really feel about Ed Sheeran being in Game of Thrones?
  11. Will I make it in life?
  12. I love this writing thing but I think it’s giving me anxiety or is that the coffee?
  13. Maybe I should do something I’m really good at which is basically nothing haha ooooo burn
  14. Wait
  15. Is it possible to make a career out of procrastinating?
  16. One man. One job. Zero motivation.
  17. Oooo I should write a movie and never finish the script because that’s how next level my thought process is right now
  18. I’m probably not gonna make it
  19. Does the money in my bank account even exist? I’ve seen my “balance” but I’ve never actually seen my money like how Harry Potter did in Sorcerer’s Stone
  20. Plan: Marry a rich woman (there’s nothing wrong with being a trophy husband. You get to do brunch!)
  21. Bartending is still on the table if things don’t work out which they won’t because you’re a piece of shit (you probably won’t even finish the mixology classes let’s be honest)
  22. Where do my tweets go?
  23. Jennifer Lawrence could murder me in my sleep and it would be oh so terrifying but think of the performance she would give!
  24. If I ever get to meet Mindy Kaling, I need to: get her to slap me across the face so she can give me some of that kick-ass work ethic, ask her if B.J. Novak couldn’t shut up about being in a Tarantino movie that one time, and ask her what Amy Poehler smells like (if she doesn’t say “joy” I will be supremely disappointed)
  25. As long as I’m alive long enough to see the Game of Thrones series finale I won’t care if I succeed in life. I NEED CLOSURE!!!!!!!

Kudos to Ms. Kaling for this much-needed spark. She understands that having a busy mind can be both a blessing and a curse. What about you? What are some of YOUR thoughts at 4AM and can you list 25 of them? If you can’t list 25 then you’re probably not an anxious person and instead super confident in everything you do and congratulations! Must be nice.

* Looks like Mindy is going to be a mommy! I suppose she’ll be adding a whole bunch of things to her list of 4am worries. Congrats!

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