Thanksgiving (or Dreads-giving, as I like to call) is a time for families to gorge on the hum-drum details of one another. If your family is anything like mine, they’ll pop out of every nook and cranny in the house subjecting you to an endless interrogation: “Who are you?” “What are you hiding?” “Where were you on the night of _______?” Ah yes, the annual probing marked by passive-aggressive, or aggressive-aggressive jabs. Eating is one of two of my coping mechanisms, even more so on Turkey Day. As I fill up the flask and study the floor plan of my auntie’s house, here are all the nagging, drama-seeking questions and Hallmark card-advice I’m likely to get this Dreads-giving. (Based on previous Thanksgivings over the years 😃)
- Are you still writing?
- Are you still single?
- [Insert latest Trump topic]
- What did you think of the turkey? (Instead of rotating turkey-duty, 3 of my aunts bring their own turkey to the table and then proceed to harass everybody into saying theirs was better.)
- Isn’t that your third piece of pumpkin pie?
- You sure gained a lot of weight.
- What’s it like being single? – Cousin who’s been in a relationship since high school
- Your daughter’s in 2nd grade now. She get a boyfriend yet? 😡
- You’ve totally got a beer belly now lol
- Did you try my turkey?
- Focusing on your career is good, but real happiness comes from your relationships. – Matchmaker Cousin
- [Insert latest Trump tweet]
- When are you going to get a real job? 🙃
- Your aunt’s turkey is so bland. Mines is better.
- What’s your credit score? – Uncle planning to buy a new car
- Let me set you up with a friend of mine. You two will hit it off.
- Remember when you used to be skinny?
- Who ate all of the pumpkin pie? ✋
- Could you be my co-signer?
- You should stop watching the news. It’s wrecking your brain. – Uncle who religiously watches Fox News
- Don’t have more than one kid.
- Love comes when you least expect it.
I’m grateful for my family. Our conversations, less so. I’ll be where the drinks are at.