The last and first few months of the year tend to get mad pretentious with all this awards talk. If you suddenly find yourself insanely posh and judgmental, you know why. Everyone, it seems, is touting a frontrunner for every major film category out there. But what about the ones that reaaaaallly matter? If you wondered to yourself what was the Most 2018-Sounding Profession, or Longest Movie Title, you’ve come to the right place.
I present to you this blog’s first and probably last ever Miscellaneous Film Awards 2018. (Consider this dead on arrival, like Gotti.) I’m awarding things from the best to the worst, to all the idiosyncratic stuff no one ever thinks about lest you have too much time on your hands. (Really, I’m just biding time as I procrastinate my own 2018 Best Film list.) Without further ado, here are this year’s unlucky winners:
*Not at all official or serious I’m literally just having fun with this so please spare me the hot takes thank you
Brother of the Year: Peter, Hereditary
Sister of the Year: Shuri, Black Panther
Thomas Robert Malthus Award: Thanos
Attention-Seeker of the Year: Marco Rubio, First Man-flag “controversy”
Most 2018-Sounding Profession: True Crime Podcasters from Halloween
Runner-Up: Anna Kendrick as a mommy vlogger from A Simple Favor
Okayest Superhero Movie: Venom
Goodest Boy of the Year: Borras, Roma
Runner-Up: Charlie, A Star Is Born
Most Capable Raccoon: Incredibles 2
Depressing Parenting Allegory: Hereditary / A Quiet Place
Most Reassuring Parenting Allegory: Incredibles 2
Desperately Wrestling with Childhood Trauma: Jackson Maine, A Star Is Born
Runners-Up: Gamora, Infinity War / Joe, You Were Never Really Here
Break-a-Leg Award: Tom Cruise, M:I – Fallout
Due for a Spotlight on Tiny House Hunters: The shrinking lab in Ant-Man and the Wasp
Most Scathing Indictment of the Internet: Ralph Breaks the Internet
Runner-Up: Unfriended: Dark Web, Searching
Best Rachel McAdams: Game Night
Runner-Up: The One Where Her and Rachel Weisz Make Out
Best Claire Foy: Unsane
Runner-Up: First Man
Best Emily Blunt: Mary Poppins Returns (A Quiet Place in a close second)
Most Awkward Party: Pool party in Eighth Grade
Runner-Up: The one Peter for some stupid fucking reason brought his sister to in Hereditary
You’ve Got A Friend In Me Award: Awkwafina & Oliver, Crazy Rich Asians
Runner-Up: Jay Pharoah, Unsane
Best Final Destination: Charlie, Hereditary
Runner-Up: Peter & Zeitgeist, Deadpool 2
Character Who Was Just, On Fire: Rachel Chu in that Fuck-You Dress to Eleanor, Crazy Rich Asians
Runners-Up: Steve in Hereditary, Kane & the humanoid in Annihilation, Michael Myers in the trap, Halloween
Crossfit Appreciation Award: Alicia Vikander, Tomb Raider
Runner-Up: Everyone who fought in Infinity War
Best Beard: John Krasinski, A Quiet Place / Chris Evans, Infinity War
Runner-Up: Joaquin Phoenix, You Were Never Really Here
Sturdiest Object: The pole in Hereditary
Most Fragile Object: My heart, during the wedding scene in Crazy Rich Asians
Longest Movie Title: The House with a Clock in its Walls & Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot
Holy Shit, Cate Blanchett Is In This: The House with a Clock in its Walls
Most Fuckable Cast Ever Assembled in a Motion Picture: Crazy Rich Asians
Runner-Up: Infinity War
Mood of 2018: Unsane
Runners-Up: Toilet scene in Mandy, “Fucking men!” – Ally in A Star Is Born, Christian Bale’s weight gain for Vice
Really Digging This Whole Director Thing: Bradley Cooper, A Star Is Born
Really Regretting This Whole Director Thing: Kevin Connolly, Gotti
Least Netflix & Chill Movie: Hereditary & Unsane
Most Netflix & Chill Movie: Crazy Rich Asians, Set It Up, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before
Delightful Penis Euphemism: Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero
Runners-Up: Thoroughbreds, The Mule, Chappaquiddick
Best Unlicensed Original Song: “Zendaya Is Meechee,” Smallfoot
Movies That Donald Trump No Likey: Black Panther, Roma, First Man, The Hate U Give
Mike Pence Award: Boy Erased
Holy Shit That Was This Year???: Fifty Shades Freed, Maze Runner: The Death Cure, Insidious: The Last Key, The First Purge, Skyscraper
Movie We Literally Didn’t Ask For: Robin Hood, Hunter Killer, Mile 22, God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness, Gotti, Mowgli, Mortal Engines
- Crazy Rich Asians was the big winner of the night with 5 wins. Impressive, considering the categories were all over the place. Well deserved, nonetheless.
- Hereditary wasn’t too far behind with 4 wins. It’s not everyday you get recognized for being bleak and unrelenting, so there’s that.
- “Shallow” might be the frontrunner for Best Original Song, but “Zendaya Is Meechee” could give Lady Gaga and B-Coops a run for their money. I suppose it’s a good thing I’m not an Academy voter.
- NOT about to make a dent in this year’s awards circles is God’s Not Dead 3. How or why they made 3 of these movies I will never know. I suppose it can share the humiliation in an historic 6-way tie of other movies we’ll quietly repress going into the new year.
- This year’s Penis Euphemism was also well earned. I can’t speak for the nominees. They speak for themselves.
- Quite a banner year for Rachel McAdams, Claire Foy, and Emily Blunt. May we be lucky enough to see more of them in the coming year, preferably in the same movie.
- Marco Rubio can fuck off to the moon and stay there
- If this list is any indication (it isn’t, but nevertheless) look for Black Panther and Roma to dominate the Oscars in March and continue to piss off (or on?) Donald Trump.
Thanks for tuning in! What a truly unique year in film it was. Truly.