She’s 7 Years Old

She’s one. It seems like yesterday when she was born. I still have no idea how to hold her or how to get her to stop crying. There’s the milk, the baby mobile, the walker – things she can’t reach for, turn on, or climb into without some help. I can relate. This is all new to me. I don’t know how to father, parent, be responsible. She points at what she wants, moment to moment. She leads, I follow. Here’s the bottle. The mobile. Okay, now the walker, then the rocking of side to side that somehow does the trick. The bottle again, really? I’m getting up faster than I can sit down. Some moments are quicker than others.

She’s two years old and running around. She loves running around. When did she learn how to do this? I can’t get her to stop. I miss being able to hold her. I miss sitting down. I miss a lot of things. She pauses by the stairs as if she’s getting ready to climb Mt. Everest. She begins, clutching each step, slowly hurling herself up each hill. Exhausted (or is that excitement), she moves onto the next one. I’m trailing behind, close as a shadow, arms out and watching intently as she goes. She keeps swatting away my attempts to help her. For some reason I think of the saying: “Behind every kid is an anxious parent.” No way that that’s true. Stop, I tell her. That’s the last one, please come down. Please. She keeps on going.

She’s three years old. She plants herself in front of the TV, in front of the Disney princesses and talking animals that she’s seen a hundred times, onto a hundred and one. I can’t get her to move. It was all she could do before. Time comes in waves, cresting one moment, flat in another. That’s enough, I tell her. You’ll fry your brain. “No,” she says. Oh no. This is the start of her rebellion. Soon she’ll be wearing anti-establishment shirts and have temporary tattoos running down her arm. I stand between her and the TV. She gets up, finally, trying to push me out of the way. I won’t budge or at least I think I won’t budge when I look at the screen, at Mulan staring at her reflection, Rapunzel saying she’s got a dream, Elsa having a moment in the snow. Her voice, too, chimes in, singing along. It’s her favorite part. I step aside. It’s my favorite part too.

She’s four years old. I’m sitting in her pretend restaurant – the living room with teapots, cups, and plates strewn about. I’m thinking about the mess. She’s worrying about dinner. Technically, it’s lunch, but I’m not about to upset the chef. I go over the menu, written in crayon: noodles with red (spaghetti), cheese (meaning “burger”), or dog (as in “hot”). Don’t get me started on the prices. All of this seems familiar. Not the restaurant but the pretending. “What do you want?” she says. The service is very blunt here. “I want you to stop growing,” I say, and she stares at me. She wasn’t born yesterday, no matter how much it may seem like it. “Cheeseburger then,” I say, and I actually want one. She mulls it over, then, changing her mind completely, reaches for the teapot and says, “How about tea?” How can I say no to tea?

She’s five years old now. Five. Years. Old. It bears repeating because it doesn’t feel true. As if in order for something to be true I have to be ready to accept it first. Picking her up from school, it nonetheless occurs to me I’m getting older. I was just here, in kindergarten. I get a flash of my mother waiting outside my classroom, though I’m seeing it from her point of view. I think I see me at five-years-old but I realize it’s my daughter stepping out of the classroom and telling me she wants McDonald’s – the same thing I recall saying to my mom. Everything feels like now and yesterday, as if I’m not quite here but in between, experiencing two things at once. This quiet dance we keep doing, like we’re passing each other in time.

She’s six years old. We are at the beach and we gradually work our way towards the water. She lets go of my hand and takes off, abandoning with abandon, running to the other kids as they chase and retreat from the small cascade of waves brushing along the shore – one of my favorite things to do with her, now she wants to do without me. I realize this is how it’ll be. She’ll keep growing up while I will do the getting old-part and I will never be ready when it happens. That moments have come and gone and you don’t know they have until after. Moments I’ve dreaded and anticipated but feared I’ll never get the chance to see, except I was there for them. Miraculously, I was there. Like a shadow, her shadow, always.

She’s seven years old. I get her a Gameboy. Sorry, a Nintendo 2DS XL. They have sizes now. Didn’t I have a handheld Nintendo not so long ago?

She’s seven years old. Now she has one, like I did when I was seven years old.

She’s seven years old.

She’s seven years old.

She is seven years old.

20 Observations on Parenting

  1. You’ve reached peak parenting when you’re required to read to your daughter’s stuffed animals.
  2. My daughter keeps asking me to braid her hair and I never know what to do so it’s like hey here’s another ponytail
  3. Once I brought her a cheeseburger happy meal instead of the chicken nuggets she always gets. Frankly, I could’ve murdered Olaf and gotten less drama.
  4. Irony: Asking for a bite of something you paid for.
  5. I’m in awe of the way she treats her plush dolls. She thanked Sadness and Officer Hopps for being her bffs, then scolded Pooh for betraying her trust and if Pooh did it again he’d be exiled from the friendship guild. A child’s imagination is something you do not mess with.
  6. My daughter loves playing hide and seek at Target and never tell me that we’re playing hence why I bring the iPad into the store now
  7. Other times she likes to play hot lava and honestly how can I not?
  8. I mistakenly ate one of her lunchables and blamed it on Pooh
  9. I’ve made roughly a thousand promises assuring she’ll get ice cream after dinner. She hasn’t cashed in on them yet and I’m truly terrified of the day when she does.
  10. Parenting is just good negotiating.
  11. Once my daughter finished her homework before we even got home and I contemplated if she was truly my kid
  12. Then there are days when she refuses to do her homework and I’m like that’s my girl
  13. The thing about also being a Disney fan alongside my daughter is that we can never agree on what to watch like sure we can do Frozen but what about Moana
  14. I’ve never been angrier at her than when she caught a Pikachu before I did like this was from my generation wth
  15. Incredibly surreal to have my daughter in school. I’ve had to sign a few forms now and I catch myself faking my mom’s signature
  16. Whenever she falls asleep in the car I’m just like hell yeah it’s my turn at the Moana soundtrack
  17. Parenting is good distracting.
  18. Once at McDonald’s my daughter asked me why my meal doesn’t come with a toy like hers does. CARE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF, RONALD???
  19. All this time I thought I was zoning out during Elena of Avalor but I realize I’m hooked like when are they gonna do another Sofia the First crossover because that last one was delightful
  20. Nowadays, when I say it’s nap time my daughter tells me, “We don’t nap anymore,” to which I say, “Well do.”

I love you, sweetie. Thank you for making these last six years the strangest and the most rewarding experiences of my life. Never grow up.

Letters to My Daughter – Part 2

Dear Chanaiyah,

Summer has come to an end, and so has my stay on Maui. I wish I didn’t have to go. I wish I could stay. I wish for so many things. Weeks have passed since I left, yet I can’t stop thinking about my last moments with you. I was still packing, still rushing, going back and forth from room to room. And no matter where I was in that house, you always seemed to find your way. Over and over again you came bouncing through that door and took me by the hand, leading me to go somewhere, anywhere. I couldn’t stop smiling because on we went, circling the living room, the kitchen, and back again. I would have walked around the entire island with you so long as you were leading the way. In those precious little moments, you showed me the absolute joy of life, which in turn reminded me to have fun once in a while. But now, I find it hard to remember such things, especially when there’s no one to take me by the hand anymore.

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Letters to My Daughter – Part 1

Dear Chanaiyah,

Happy birthday sweetie! That’s right, today is your day and no one else’s. Some people may think it’s their day too, but you and I know the truth: this day belongs to you. My my my, I can’t believe a year has gone by! So much has happened and even then it’s just the beginning. I swear it was only yesterday when I first held you. And I remember everything about that day. The sun stood high in the sky and the air was scorching. I started to sweat, but I was trembling. Nervous to see you, worried about what you’d think of me, yet all the more anxious. And when I cradled you in my arms, I collapsed inside. Oh how fragile you were and oh so precious. I remember you opened your eyes only slightly. Then, your cheeks bunched up together to form a bright smile. It’s as if you knew I was there with you. And it’s that very same smile that seems to make me stupid all over again. I try to find ways to describe that smile of yours, but every time I’m stuck. It’s like anything worth saying won’t do you any justice. Better to keep quiet and focus on your every movement. It’s not like you’d complain anyway since you like having all the attention. That’s right you do, you sweet little princess you.

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What Keeps Me Going

Inspirations are the forces within that drive you internally, pushing you to be better. We all have a source of inspiration. They come in the form of ideas that grab a hold of you upon first inception, or beliefs that we hold on to until the very end. Even in the form of people, whom we strive to become or ultimately fight for. Nevertheless, we hold them dear to us as a constant reminder keep moving forward.

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