All the Conversations I’m Dreading This Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving (or Dreads-giving, as I like to call) is a time for families to gorge on the hum-drum details of one another. If your family is anything like mine, they’ll pop out of every nook and cranny in the house subjecting you to an endless interrogation: “Who are you?” “What are you hiding?” “Where were you on the night of _______?” Ah yes, the annual probing marked by passive-aggressive, or aggressive-aggressive jabs. Eating is one of two of my coping mechanisms, even more so on Turkey Day. As I fill up the flask and study the floor plan of my auntie’s house, here are all the nagging, drama-seeking questions and Hallmark card-advice I’m likely to get this Dreads-giving. (Based on previous Thanksgivings with the fam 😃)

  1. Are you still writing?
  2. Are you still single?
  3. [Insert latest Trump topic]
  4. What did you think of the turkey? (Instead of rotating turkey-duty, 3 of my aunts bring their own turkey to the table and then proceed to harass everyone into saying theirs was better.)
  5. Isn’t that your third piece of pumpkin pie?
  6. You sure gained a lot of weight.
  7. What’s it like being single? – Cousin who’s been in a relationship since high school
  8. Your daughter’s in 2nd grade now. She get a boyfriend yet? 😡
  9. You’ve totally got a beer belly now lol
  10. Did you try my turkey?
  11. Focusing on your career is good, but real happiness comes from your relationships. – Matchmaker Cousin
  12. [Insert latest Trump tweet]
  13. When are you going to get a real job? 🙃
  14. Your aunt’s turkey is so bland. Mines is better.
  15. What’s your credit score? – Uncle planning to buy a new car
  16. Let me set you up with a friend of mine. You two will hit it off.
  17. Remember when you used to be skinny?
  18. Who ate all of the pumpkin pie? ✋
  19. Could you be my co-signer?
  20. You should stop watching the news. It’s wrecking your brain. – Uncle who religiously watches Fox News
  21. Don’t have more than one kid.
  22. Love comes when you least expect it.

 

I’m grateful for my family. Our conversations, less so. I’ll be where the drinks are at.

Happy Thanksgiving